Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Hold times may vary

It's true, you know. They can vary. Hold times can vary from just a few interminable minutes to the rest of your life.

...All representatives are assisting other callers. Please stay on the line for the next available representative....

Please answer my call. I just need one tiny piece of information. Please.

...We appreciate your patience, as call wait times can be longer on certain business days and during times of heavy activity....

Yes, certain business days. The ones ending in Y. And during times of heavy activity? Really? Is that what they mean by heavy activity? Weird.

...This year is forecast to be one of the strongest La Nina weather patterns in fifty years. The Snohomish County PUD encourages you to be prepared by....

See now, you're just trying to scare me, PUD people. And why, when you start that bit of the recording, do you interrupt yourself with other, less frightening information??? How the hell am I supposed to put together my emergency kit now???!!!

...Stay away from downed power lines....

Ah. Yes. Making a note of that right now.

...Thank you for calling the Customer Service Line of the Snohomish County PUD. Your call may be recorded for training purposes....

Yes, training purposes. "This is how we handle the customer who has completely gone wacko, Tommy. Like the customer who is yowling about lost time or who has just broken down into tears. It's all in the manual, but we find it's helpful to hear actual calls. Don't be scared, it's just a recording. No, no. These people can't find us."

...All representatives are assisting other callers. Please....

"Good morning and thank you for call the Snohomish County PUD. This is Sarah; how may I help you?"

Sarah!! Oh, Sarah, thank God. I was holding and holding and I tried to do this yesterday but I ran out of time on my lunch hour and I had to hang up and go back to work and I just know that someone was just about to pick up my call! I just need my account number so I can pay my bill online and I can't find my bill and I know it's due, okay, past due, but I...just....






  1. lololol.....

    All circuits are busy. Please call again.

    All of our customer service personnel and call managers are busy. Please call again.

    Please call our local number for more help.

    Calls local number.

    Please call our 1-800 number.

    All circuits are busy..

    head desk.

    Right there with ya.

  2. And remember, to fully process your call we will need you ready with identifying information including that one bit you forgot about because it was upside down on the back side of sheet four of the five sheets sent to your previous mailing address and you let get buried amid all those "REALLY IMPORTANT" documents which turned out to be nothing more than solicitations for some service you don't actually need but they included a nifty three-month free trial period which then switched over to an exorbitant monthly fee which would require multiple phone calls much like this one to cancel, again requiring the correct obscure identifying code...

    Your call is so very important to us; we have trans-dimensional pain suckers here at the main office who psychically feed on misery and yours is delicious (yet with a surprising amount of much-needed fiber).