Monday, March 21, 2011

A hazy shade of...something.

There's a reason that food is my drug of choice. In fact, there are many reasons. And while you, my darling invisible friend, may have absolutely no interest in these reasons, I feel the need to share them.

Yes, this will probably take a while. Doesn't it always?

Number one: It's----

What? Well, why didn't you say something before we got started? Go on, then. Just be quick about it.

Better? All right. Where were we? Oh, yes.

Number one: It's---

You know, maybe this should be a numbered list. It'd be more organized. What? I'm just saying! I didn't get all snotty at you a minute ago. Look. Just look! I'm not asking for the moon, for heaven's sake.
1) It's legal.
[See? isn't that nice? All tidy and---OW!! Stop it!! Now I'm just going to start all over and you are going to have to---OW!!!! Fine!!!]
Reasons That Food Is My Drug Of Choice
1) It's legal.
And I would really not do well in prison. I wouldn't. I just know. Plus, that whole breaking-the-law thing is very uncomfortable for me.
2) It's relatively inexpensive.
Okay, truffles are absurdly expensive. And I don't even want to think about Kobe beef now. And Himalayan salt. Seafood. But come on! It's not like I could lose a house over it. Worst case scenario, I can shuffle around the farmer's market and get a little bit of something fresh for a few bucks. [twitch, scratch] You know, just to get me by.
3) It's reliable.
I don't how people locate distribution sources for their DOCs, but I can always find a grocery store. And when everything else in the world is hideous, chocolate will always be there.
Ah, chocolate. Darling, darling chocolate. How I adore thee.
Ahem. Sorry. Back now.
5) I could not handle any actual drug.
As I type this, I peer blearily at the monitor through a haze of generic DayQuil. That's right. Daytime cold medicine. Go ahead. laugh. Actifed makes me unconscious. Cigarette smoke makes me vomit. Okay, I can handle a glass of wine, some wonderful Irish whisky, various vodkas. But really, I'm a wuss.
Oh, sure, food as a DOC has its downside. There's that whole obesity thing and all the fun stuff that goes with it. Diabetes, heart disease, various cancers...oh my! But it's the devil I know. The beast I'm used to. The addiction that looks so pretty when it's plated well.
I think I'll stick to this yellow brick road.


  1. Toss in a lemon drop and all will be well, right?

    Food, glorious food. Don't fail me now.

    Just hand me the cheese and no one will get hurt. Really. Unless it's Stinky Bishop or whatever it was. Shudder.

    Feel better.

  2. I still like food don't get me wrong, but since I chose to have a major portion of my stomach separated from the tiny portion I now have, and some of my intestines rerouted, I no longer seem to have the addiction I once had. Oh, I'm sure the addiction still exsists, but sort of like a rx of antibuse I have been forced to give it up.It was a successful 24 step program. To top it off one ounce of nyquil brings a sufficient buzz.

  3. Wheres "4" .. too much cold medicine obviously. AND.... cant believe there was friendship bread at work today UGH !!

  4. ARG!! 4!!!! See? See??? I told you I can't handle any meds at all.