There's a reason that food is my drug of choice. In fact, there are many reasons. And while you, my darling invisible friend, may have absolutely no interest in these reasons, I feel the need to share them.
Yes, this will probably take a while. Doesn't it always?
Number one: It's----
What? Well, why didn't you say something before we got started? Go on, then. Just be quick about it.
Better? All right. Where were we? Oh, yes.
Number one: It's---
You know, maybe this should be a numbered list. It'd be more organized. What? I'm just saying! I didn't get all snotty at you a minute ago. Look. Just look! I'm not asking for the moon, for heaven's sake.
1) It's legal.
[See? isn't that nice? All tidy and---OW!! Stop it!! Now I'm just going to start all over and you are going to have to---OW!!!! Fine!!!]
Reasons That Food Is My Drug Of Choice
1) It's legal.
And I would really not do well in prison. I wouldn't. I just know. Plus, that whole breaking-the-law thing is very uncomfortable for me.
2) It's relatively inexpensive.
Okay, truffles are absurdly expensive. And I don't even want to think about Kobe beef now. And Himalayan salt. Seafood. But come on! It's not like I could lose a house over it. Worst case scenario, I can shuffle around the farmer's market and get a little bit of something fresh for a few bucks. [twitch, scratch] You know, just to get me by.
3) It's reliable.
I don't how people locate distribution sources for their DOCs, but I can always find a grocery store. And when everything else in the world is hideous, chocolate will always be there.
Ah, chocolate. Darling, darling chocolate. How I adore thee.
Ahem. Sorry. Back now.
5) I could not handle any actual drug.
As I type this, I peer blearily at the monitor through a haze of generic DayQuil. That's right. Daytime cold medicine. Go ahead. laugh. Actifed makes me unconscious. Cigarette smoke makes me vomit. Okay, I can handle a glass of wine, some wonderful Irish whisky, various vodkas. But really, I'm a wuss.
Oh, sure, food as a DOC has its downside. There's that whole obesity thing and all the fun stuff that goes with it. Diabetes, heart disease, various cancers...oh my! But it's the devil I know. The beast I'm used to. The addiction that looks so pretty when it's plated well.
I think I'll stick to this yellow brick road.