Me: And when did you last have anything to eat of drink, besides water?
Patient: I had some oatmeal this morning, and some coffee.
What I do not say: Okay. Really? Did you hear me ask what you ate? No. The question was "when." But that's all right. No, seriously. We'll figure it all out. Despite time being a relative concept, and all.
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Me: All right, I'm going to leave you alone for a moment, so you can change for the EKG. I just need you to take off everything from the waist up [hand motions demonstrating this area] and put on your gown open to the front [hand motions like doors opening to the front] so I can get to the skin on your chest.
Patient: Do I need to take of my bra?
What I do not say: Well...is it on your body, above your waist? All right, then.
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Me: And when did you last have anything to eat of drink, besides water?
Patient: Um, what time is it now? [turns and stares at clock] It would have been around eight o'clock.
What I do not say: And you needed to know the current time to impart this information...why? Because if it had been fifteen minutes later, you would have eaten at a different time?
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Me: All right, I'm going to leave you alone for a moment, so you can change for the EKG. I just need you to take off everything from the waist up [hand motions demonstrating this area] and put on your gown open to the front [hand motions like doors opening to the front] so I can get to the skin on your chest.
[I leave room, return in less that five minutes find patient has stripped off every scrap of clothing. If I'm lucky, the patient has donned the hospital gown...inevitably, the wrong way.]
What I do not say: ARG!!! MY EYES, MY EYES!!!
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Me: And when did you last have anything to eat of drink, besides water?
Patient: Nothing.
Patient: Nothing.
Me: Okay, you're fasting. Let's take a look at--
Patient: All I had was my mocha.
What I do not say: So...top of your head, would you say that this is something besides water? Yeah. me, too.
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I'd just print a sign, but...no one reads those.
OK, I just laughed so much because I have done all but the last two within the last seven days!!!
ReplyDeleteAlso, in your first scenario they did answer the WHEN (morning), they just felt like sharing a little extra-- you know, to be friendly. Because you have a friendly demeanor? No?
AAhhh, the unspoken glory of patient care. In my preoperative narrative.. I now ACTUALLY say "please don't wear stripper heels on the day of your surgery." And yes, removing ALL jewelry includes clitoral piercings as well as those 8 toe rings. And yes, it would be best if you could leave your triplets at home while I'm trying explain your surgical plan, that way the little cuties might stay out of the biohazard waste during our somewhat medically focused appointment. And of course, don't forgot those thoughtful individuals who arrive 1/2 hour late, and then inform you they are really in a rush, and can you speed it up a little, because little Jimmy finishes with his origami class in about 15 minutes.
ReplyDeleteI am not making this stuff up. Sadly.