One Of The Many Things I Do Not Understand

A coworker of mine and I were walking out of the building together after a long day's toil. With a small laugh, she read a text message from her husband, then pocketed her phone. "My husband's trying to score points, or something." She shook her head as we approached the timeclock.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, he's done all this work in the back yard, and he packed my dinner for today."

Interesting. Other than the actual marital relationship thing, he sounds a bit like Roommate. Many, many people have expressed interest in kidnapping Roommate, so I do understand her value, and the value of all such people. And perhaps it's simplistic, but I also understand the reward system that is often in place in actual marital relationship; unlike with Roommate, it's not just a Dr. Pepper and a Snickers bar.

"Well," I said, "You know what you need to do." At this point, meaningful looks were exchanged and my coworker laughed again.

"Oh, of course." She waved a hand dismissively, as if to say, Duh, he always gets that. Then she continued out loud. "It's just that he's been trying really hard, and listening to what I've been saying, what my concerns are."

"Wow." There was a moment of quiet as I thought about this. And attempted not to be outsmarted by the timeclock. After winning that small battle, I continued. "I think you're going to have to do the things you don't usually do." Another meaningful look.

She laughed and nodded.

"There may have to be outfits involved," I added.

Her eyes rounded. "Ohhh. I haven't done that in..." she trailed off. I can only assume the amount of time since that had been done was significant.

"There are sales going on at Victoria's Secret right now," I informed her. Hey, I'm a helper.

"That's right!" she exclaimed. "Maybe I should let him pick out something--"

"No, no, no." I sighed and shook my head. "The first one, you surprise him. Then you tell him he can pick something else out for the next time. Why do I have to tell you this??? You're married, you should know this. You've done this before."

"I know, I just..." She laughed again.

See, this is where I become completely confused. A married person, in theory, is joined for life to a person with whom he or she has exchanged vows. To love and to cherish. In sickness and in health. Or, some of my favorites:

With this ring, I thee wed. With my body, I thee worship.
And with all my worldly goods, I do thee endow.

Most people get the ring part. A lot of people focus on the last part, especially if the "'til death do us part" seems optional. But the middle bit, especially in a lot of long-term unions, seems to get lost in the shuffle.

I don't understand this. I really don't. As I have said to my married friends, on many occasions, you have a penis right there, available to you! Free! No moral dilemma! Birth control has probably already been handled! One would hope you know all health concerns already. And look...it's so happy to see you.

If you don't utilize your available Mr. Happy to the best of its ability [or your ability, for that matter] you're taking a gift and pitching it in the attic. Why would you do such a thing? It's like being given a Maserati and saying, "Oh, it's nice and all, but...it uses a lot of gas. And I've put on some weight, so the seats aren't quite as comfortable. No, I know, I can drive it any time, but most of the time, I just leave it in the garage."

Are you kidding me???????

Please. I have said this before. Please. For the sake of those of us without a car, or those of us who only get to drive a rental now and then, get that bad boy out of the garage and find some open road. Open up the throttle. Roll the windows down and let your hair get messed up.

Please.