I do know people with firearms.

While grocery shopping the other day, Roommate pulled some Ensure off the shelf. She had a coupon for it, even. Now, dear invisible friend, if you've ever used a coupon, you know that there are often conditions. So you'll forgive us for having taken up space in the supplement aisle at Safeway, making sure we fulfilled the coupon's expectations.

We figured out [yes, all on our own!] that we needed to get three sets of Ensure. I say sets because they come in groupings of four. A four-pack? Yes, yes. A four-pack. Otherwise known as the abdominal goal of the gym rats outside of New Jersey. Say....the south side of Philadelphia. A six-pack might be too lofty of a goal in the city that invented the Cheese Steak.

So three four-packs would satisfy the rules of this coupon. I asked Roommate if she wanted the luscious-looking vanilla shakes, the decadent chocolate or the fresh and fruity strawberry. And Roommate said I should decide.

I should decide?

"Well, that's silly. I don't know what kind you want for your breakfasts," I demurred.

"They're not for me," she replied. "They're for you."

Pardon me?

"Well, they say that you lose muscle over the age of forty, and drinking these will help you keep your muscle," she continued earnestly. "And you are over forty."

She's right. I am over forty. And it was so kind of her to be concerned about my muscle mass and general health. Really, if I focus on that, I'm almost touched. I also think it's time for Roommate to start dating. Now.

Mmmmm, chemicals in an odd little bottle. Building muscles has never been tastier. Or more fun!

Shoot me.