Tuesday, August 2, 2011

One Of The Many Things I Do Not Understand

A coworker of mine and I were walking out of the building together after a long day's toil. With a small laugh, she read a text message from her husband, then pocketed her phone. "My husband's trying to score points, or something." She shook her head as we approached the timeclock.


"Yeah, he's done all this work in the back yard, and he packed my dinner for today."

Interesting. Other than the actual marital relationship thing, he sounds a bit like Roommate. Many, many people have expressed interest in kidnapping Roommate, so I do understand her value, and the value of all such people. And perhaps it's simplistic, but I also understand the reward system that is often in place in actual marital relationship; unlike with Roommate, it's not just a Dr. Pepper and a Snickers bar.

"Well," I said, "You know what you need to do." At this point, meaningful looks were exchanged and my coworker laughed again.

"Oh, of course." She waved a hand dismissively, as if to say, Duh, he always gets that. Then she continued out loud. "It's just that he's been trying really hard, and listening to what I've been saying, what my concerns are."

"Wow." There was a moment of quiet as I thought about this. And attempted not to be outsmarted by the timeclock. After winning that small battle, I continued. "I think you're going to have to do the things you don't usually do." Another meaningful look.

She laughed and nodded.

"There may have to be outfits involved," I added.

Her eyes rounded. "Ohhh. I haven't done that in..." she trailed off. I can only assume the amount of time since that had been done was significant.

"There are sales going on at Victoria's Secret right now," I informed her. Hey, I'm a helper.

"That's right!" she exclaimed. "Maybe I should let him pick out something--"

"No, no, no." I sighed and shook my head. "The first one, you surprise him. Then you tell him he can pick something else out for the next time. Why do I have to tell you this??? You're married, you should know this. You've done this before."

"I know, I just..." She laughed again.

See, this is where I become completely confused. A married person, in theory, is joined for life to a person with whom he or she has exchanged vows. To love and to cherish. In sickness and in health. Or, some of my favorites:

With this ring, I thee wed. With my body, I thee worship.
And with all my worldly goods, I do thee endow.

Most people get the ring part. A lot of people focus on the last part, especially if the "'til death do us part" seems optional. But the middle bit, especially in a lot of long-term unions, seems to get lost in the shuffle.

I don't understand this. I really don't. As I have said to my married friends, on many occasions, you have a penis right there, available to you! Free! No moral dilemma! Birth control has probably already been handled! One would hope you know all health concerns already. And look...it's so happy to see you.

If you don't utilize your available Mr. Happy to the best of its ability [or your ability, for that matter] you're taking a gift and pitching it in the attic. Why would you do such a thing? It's like being given a Maserati and saying, "Oh, it's nice and all, but...it uses a lot of gas. And I've put on some weight, so the seats aren't quite as comfortable. No, I know, I can drive it any time, but most of the time, I just leave it in the garage."

Are you kidding me???????

Please. I have said this before. Please. For the sake of those of us without a car, or those of us who only get to drive a rental now and then, get that bad boy out of the garage and find some open road. Open up the throttle. Roll the windows down and let your hair get messed up.



  1. I always find it so amazing how the thing that everyone remembers about vows is "'til death do us part," yet the divorce rate is over 50%...so does that mean people's listening skill just suck or that over 50% of people are just selfish? I say those people just can't stand behind anything and have no foundation. I totally agree with the analogy of spouses as cars...when you are dating/ first married they are like a shiny new Ferrari, when you are old I am sure some would compare to an old broken down model A. I think the difference is this; It’s not about the shiny new, or the old and broken down but rather how you see it.

  2. I know on my car I have just run my hand over it to feel the texture and see the scratches. It’s funny how you can look at them and it can evoke a memory of where/when each came from in its life time…funny but relationships are just like this. I have always been told I am too into cars and that it is bad spending all that time with nothing more than a machine that can be traded in or wrecked or forgotten, but how is this different than a relationship? I dunno, being that I am currently going through a divorce I maybe a little off but it seems very clear to me…Love the ones who choose to be with you. Be yourself. The worst thing you can do is not be yourself or cherish what you have.

  3. OK, you knew I was gonna chime in here...admit it, you did. First off, I just about fell outta my chair here reading that. A tear came from my eye because I held the loud laughter in.
    And you know what? your right! You totally are. Next week marks my 7th wedding anniversary. Which makes it about 12 1/2 years that we have actually been together. 12 1/2 years that I have slept next to the same man. Day in, day out. No other. Guess what? I have no desire to find another. Sure, I wanna trade him in sometimes for someone who is willing to clean the house or be a little happier to listen to my griping, or for heavens sake just for once know the right thing to say.
    I wonder if your friends husband is offering classes?
    But until then I shall heed your advice. Because lord knows I wouldn't put that in the attic.

  4. A Maserati in NYC is just not practical.

  5. ;) I've GOT to remember your quote. Much less scary than "till death do us part". No, I did not check out the sale. Yes, I've got another place I wanna check out. It's like VS except naughtier ;) ;) In 2 weeks the kiddos will be sent to the in-laws...an hour away ;) Now I get the whole Maserati picture. Weird enough, I was talking to the Hubby a couple weeks ago and out of the blue he said "I wonder what a Maserati looks like". Weird.

  6. I've said it before and I'll say it again... you slay me. Your references are priceless and spot on, to say the least. I guess the spot I thought of was that even those with the REALLY freakin awesome cars get bored without some serious mental connection. It takes the visual AND and mental to make it through todays marriage gauntlet. And that where it gets hard. Stop it with your dirty thoughts Lisa!!! Sheesh.