Monday, June 18, 2012

"It's a simple question."

A few weeks ago, I saw my primary care physician. No, nobody likes it. I expected not to enjoy myself, and I wasn't disappointed in that expectation.  But that really isn't my point.

Yes, I do so have one.  Here it is--and you couldn't have waiting another two seconds?

Anyway.  During the Q&A session with the medical assistant, I was asked:

"Are you sexually active?"

Dearest, I was completely stymied.

After a few moments of opening and closing my mouth like a codfish, interspersed with furrowed brow and contemplation of the ceiling, as if it might hold the answer to this perplexing query, the medical assistant said rather sharply, "It's a simple question." 

I would have to disagree.  I would also submit the idea that this MA was, in fact, not single.

How long does one have to be celibate before one is no longer considered sexually active?  Where's the cut off, so to speak?  What's the practical and specific definition of "sexually active?"

It can't indicate awareness or thought about sex, can it?  Obviously, given the terminology, one must be actively involved with the process.  Of course, active involvement might preclude a fair number of married people whose response to sex is along the lines of, "...Fine.  Go ahead.  Whatever."

Ah, romance.  Some marrieds sure know how to live.

It also can't be willingness.  I'm willing to look exactly like Kathy Ireland, but that doesn't make me a supermodel, does it?

And it certainly cannot be about availability.  After all, the Mr-Right-Now dating site provides nearly endless opportunities for random and/or illicit sexual activity.  The twenty-somethings who are looking for a good time alone allow for numerous penises on call.

Yes, they actually put that on their profiles.  "Looking for a good time."  The penis on call designation is mine.  But really, wouldn't that be a useful box to check?  So to speak?

Oh, but let's not leave out my other source of readily  available potential partners, the STD patients!  My, what a fun group they are!!  If there's anything that makes me just feel pretty, it's the overly flirtatious STD patient.  I can't count the number of times I've said, "Here's your cup for gonorrhea and chlamydia testing, and yes, I am single, thanks for asking!"

I'm single.  But am I sexually active?

It's not really that simple a question.  And I have absolutely no idea.

1 comment:

  1. Well, "between jobs" means one's not employed, so what's "between penises"? But, yeah, I get it: if (hypothetically) it's been over three months since the last horizontal shuffle but there's a real possibility next weekend the emergency latex will be pulled out of storage, then...?

    Rumor has it "self-employed" is a euphemism.