Saturday, January 29, 2011

I know, I know...

I'm a terrible blogger. Disappearing for weeks at a time. Yes, of course. Get the stick. I accept the beating as well-deserved.

No, I will not wear the little outfit! Sheesh!!


I'm toying with the idea of doing what my dear friend Karina did, and that's a 30-day blog challenge. A blog a day for thirty days. I could do that, right? Right?

Oh, shut up.

If I did do such a thing, despite lack of support and encouragement from certain unnamed people, it would coincide nicely with another writing goal I have for my current work-in-progress. Wouldn't that be marvelous?

The downside that has planted itself firmly in front of me, and is glaring at me with its arms folded across its skinny chest, is that some of the blogs that will get published might be a bit...unfiltered, shall we say. I cannot tell you the number of times I have typed up a blog, saved it, walked away from it and discovered upon my return that some maniac was obviously typing away. Yes, some of these trains of thought have slipped through the filters and crashed into all of our computers with such a vengeance that tiny little disaster teams in itty-bitty hazmat suits were called in. At this point, however, there's really nothing to be done about this tragedy of a trainwreck except call the local news station.

Oh, what the heck. What are they going to do if this sucks, take away my birthday? Pfft! And we won't call it a blog challenge. We'll call it...a nice chat. Yes, we will. Yes, we will! Because I said so.

All right, then. Let's chat about...mammograms!

As I have mentioned before, my very first mammogram didn't have the results I might have expected. I expected my usual round of boring information, "Everything's fine, nothing unusual, see you next year." This did not occur.

I had my very first mammogram after doing the 3-Day Walk for breast cancer. I mean, jeeze, who wouldn't, after that? Plus, I was 41. It was time. So I went in and experienced my first boob squish. Ooo, such fun! Hard plastic plates squeezing my grumpy boobs into pancakes. Yay!!!

What's that? Oh, the grumpy comment. I always feel my girls look depressed. I do. I say to them, "Would you perk up, already? People are talking to you!" But there they stay, stubbornly and morosely staring at the ground.

What to do?

Anyway, after that initial squish, I got the call from the breast center at the local hospital. Everything was fine, they said. There was no reason to worry. But, gosh, they just wanted me to come in again and be resquished to be absolutely positive that everything was fine and there was no reason to worry. My thought upon hearing this?

"Oh, my God. If I have breast cancer, I'm going to have to do that f__ing 3-Day Walk again!!!"

Yes, this was my primary concern.

So I had another squish. And I had an ultrasound immediately afterward, with an ultrasound tech who had evidently been trained never, never, NEVER to use the word "mass" to a patient. Bless her heart.

US tech: [remarkably cheerful tone] Okay, let's just take a quick look at this doohickey!
Me: [struggling not to snicker] All right.
US tech: [after a period of quiet, but still, REMARKABLY cheerful] And now we're going to Dr Whatshisface take a look at the doohickey!
Me: [remembering to respect this woman's adherence to training] Uh huh.

So the radiologist came in, a man who did not include the word "doohickey" in his conversation. He was mildly disappointed that my mass was not a cyst and would in fact require a needle biopsy. I think he was also a bit surprised that I said those words, "needle biopsy," before he could.

Before we go further, let me say, I am delighted, nay, thrilled that numbing medication was injected before the needle biopsy occurred. I would hated to have that procedure performed without it. But....YOWZA. Ow ow ow ow OW!

Now, as we all know, my mass [yes, I can call it that] was not cancer, was in fact a myofibroblastoma. I called it Slacker Tumor, because unlike cancer, it had no real goals. In the cancer family, this is the adult child who won't get off the couch, get a job and move out. My coworker named it Robbie after her worthless ex-son-in-law.

I did have to have a complete Rob-ectomy, which was super fun. After the surgeon felt me up and couldn't locate Robbie by touch, she instructed me to go back to the breast center before the surgery, have the folks there jam a wire into Robbie, then drive to the surgery center and yank him out.

All technical terms. Feel free to write them down.

So today, when I was bopping around the radiology department and happened to mention to Liz, the WonderTech, that I needed to see her for my four-months-later yearly squish, I felt a little flutter. After all, in my mind, mammogram = several squishes + ouchy bits + Rob-ectomy.

I have a skewed frame of reference.

Strange. You don't look surprised.


  1. Was beginning to think I had infected you with blog slacker-itis and was considering calling out the...insert option of your choice to pull you back here. >:)

    Need a challenge mate? Sigh....your break is shorter than mine. :/

    Need to get off my slacker ass and get back to...something.

    And ouch. May there never be another Robbie. Seriously.

  2. OMG I don't know how you made a mammogram funny, but you managed it.

    Slacker tumor. Snert.

    Glad it's an all clear. Sorry it's that time again. I'm avoiding it. I was told I should get a mammogram and a manicure on the same day so I don't have all negative associations. I say you could give me a whole lot better than a manicure and I still would have negative associations with a boob squish.