Monday, June 28, 2010

I hear you knocking...

Hearing is a funny thing, my dear imaginary friend. My ex said I had ears like a bat, mostly because I could hear him doing things like spilling large amounts of water on the kitchen floor and would ask if he planned on cleaning it up. I wasn't asking to be snotty--okay, not hugely snotty--mostly I was asking because he'd done enough damage to his hearing that I honestly didn't know if he could hear the same spill.

Now, the roommate would probably tell you a completely different story about my hearing. I can't hear a lot of what she says. Granted, her voice isn't bell-clear and enunciation is not always her gift; this may play a role in this circumstantial deafness. But sometimes, the roommate will say things from another room. Like the living room. While I'm in the kitchen. And she's watching television. And I have the fan going. And the stand mixer is on high. Yes, yes. This is the perfect time to ask if I've paid the water bill. Excellent.


Some of the time, I can't hear what people say to me because I'm not listening. Isn't that awful to admit? I just stop listening. It's the weirdest thing. If only I could do that at work, during staff meetings. Next to liquor, this might be the best way to get me to endure those delightful islands of time with any good grace at all. [Liquor's still number one, don't worry. If only they'd let me drink on the job.]

Every now and then, I hear things no one else does. Now, I'm not talking about the voices in my head, which by the way, really get a bad rap. They're darn good company at times. No, I can hear other things that other people miss, like God laughing. It's true! If you stand really close to me and listen carefully, dear fictional pal o' mine, you could hear it, too. I'm sure of it. Just wait for those moments in life when you see me cast my gaze upward and say,

"I hope you're enjoying this!!!!"

And sure enough, you can hear God laughing.

Lately, though...lately, the loudest voice I hear is The Kitchen. Fridge is the most vocal, of course, but Cupboards have been really chatty just recently. And the worst part? They pick the most inappropriate times to start their conversations. Like 2 AM.

"Psst. Psst! Lisa. You awake?"

"Fridge, what the hell? It's two in the freaking morning! I have to work tomorrow."

"I know, I know. This is why you should get in here now. I have a surprise for you."

"You're going to have a surprise when you're hauled to the trash, you wretched appliance."

"No, come on. Come in here. I have cheese. And turkey breast. Wouldn't that make a nice sandwich?"

At this point, a Cupboard chimes in. "Oh, on a mini bagel! I have mini bagels! And roommate won't even miss a handful of Cheez-Its. Mmmmmmmmm...doesn't that sound good?"

Fridge adds, "And a nice glass of milk. It'll help you sleep."

I stomp into the kitchen. "I was sleeping, you morons."

Fridge is silent for a moment, thinking about what it's done. "Yeah. But since you're up...."

Did I mention that I hate dieting?

1 comment:

  1. Oh, thank God someone else has the talking appliances. I'll trade you the god of Chaos mocking me from the kitchen right this instant.

    Thanks for the giggle I needed. Now back to the pile of post its.