Advice of the Day: Buy stock in Puffs

Typical conversation:

Me: Ahhhhh...CHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Random person: Oh, do you have a cold?

Me: I wish. No, I have allergies.

Random person: You wish you had a cold instead of allergies? Why?

Me: Colds get better.

Random person: Haha!

[NB: I am not joking when I say things like this. I have no idea why people laugh. It's not funny. It's not. It's not. Okay, it is, a little. But still.]

Random person: So...uh...what are you allergic to?

Me: Oxygen.

Random person: Seriously?

[Sigh. Of course I'm not serious. Really, who are these people?]

Me: No, I'm not actually allergic to oxygen.

Random person: Okay. Whew! What are you allergic to, then?

Me: The planet.

[pause]

Random person: You're...joking again, right?

And actually, at that point, I'm not. See, a few years ago, an allergy doctor performed scratch-testing on me. Ten to fifteen lines were drawn on each of my forearms and dots of liquid allergens were dabbed on each side of these lines. Then a blade was used to scratch the allergen into my skin. I was told I would wait fifteen minutes and I should not scratch at my arms.

Sure. No problem.

After eight minutes or so, the doctor popped his head in to see how I was holding up. I extended my arms and showed him double rows of bubbles on my forearms.

"You're done," he said.

I had reacted to every single allergen applied to my skin.

Usually, my allergies make themselves know via sneezing and general snottiness. Oh, sure, I get swollen eyes and itchy spots, too, but as a rule, it's all about the sinuses. And yes, I do sound sexy as hell when my sinuses are completely clogged shut.

I'm stunned that I'm still single.

Anyway, I'm on the east coast right now. Or, as spicy Cuban Mo says, the right coast. Not that she judges the left coast. She's just saying. I'm on the east coast and visiting Very Nice Person. And either I'm allergic to him, or I'm allergic to the coast in general, but this is what happened:

This is my neck on allergens.

The redness extends over my jawline and has blotched up my whole freaking face. It's swollen and sore and itchy.

This is also my allergic reaction to something or the other AFTER gentle washing, two doses of Benadryl, three ibuprofen and a variety of [previously] soothing lotions, gels and creams. My skin is unimpressed with my efforts. Frankly, my skin is pissed off.

I'm looking forward to a return to snottiness.